Writing a scathing review of something can be pleasurable in its own strange way. However, people overestimate how often critics go to that well or like doing so. More often than not, negative reviewers are a bit of a deflating experience. And sometimes, as with reviewing Nonnas, it can feel downright mean.

To be perfectly clear, Nonnas isn’t terrible. It isn’t ugly or mean-spirited or filled with appalling performances. It’s competently made, and its heart is unquestionably in the right place. And that’s why it feels like being a downright bully to add that it is kind of a nothing movie. It seems less interested in entertaining than existing. As directed by Stephen Chbosky and shot by cinematographer Florian Ballhaus, its lack of visual panache goes beyond the usual “streaming” look audiences know all too well at this point. By the end of its running time, a viewer will likely feel about 100 minutes older and little else.

As noted, Nonnas tells the true story of Joe Scaravella (Vince Vaughn) establishing the Staten Island restaurant Enoteca Maria in honor of his just deceased mother and his long passed grandmother. While perhaps not everyone’s thing, that plot at least carries a certain promise. It feels like the kind of thing that’s an easy slam dunk in the heartwarming arena. Sure, there is a risk of tipping into maudlin or emotionally manipulative, but a few tears and a smile of bittersweet delight seem assured.

Instead, the movie mostly just kind of unfolds. Giving a platform for older women performers like Susan Sarandon, Lorraine Bracco, Talia Shire, and Brenda Vaccaro, who can still tell a joke or unleash a small rant, is for the greater good. Unfortunately, Nonnas doesn’t give them much depth. They’re older women, grandmothers (nonnas in the parlance), and passionate about cooking. Beyond that, they get about half a personality quirk. Sarandon’s Gia is the still sexy one. There are at least two mild jokes about the size and height of her breasts in case you missed that. Bracco’s Roberta and Vaccaro’s Antonella are reenacting the rivalry of their native regions of Italy years after they had any stake in it. Shire gets the best of it with Teresa, a former nun with an appreciation for Italian spirits.

At least they get to have a modicum of fun, though. Vaughn, along with Joe Manganiello as Joe’s childhood friend Bruno and Linda Cardellini as Joe’s high school and perhaps future girlfriend Olivia, get almost zero chance to use their considerable charms. There is one scene with Vaughn driving through a scene on a forklift that has a bit of his anarchic comedic energy. Otherwise, audiences are walking through a desert. In that context, Drea de Matteo’s Stella often marches away with scenes with the smallest of choices.

If Nonnas gave Vaughn some dramatic work with heft, that might be ok. While he gets bad rap for his dramatic parts, he tends to be fine to good in them. It is more the overall project that doesn’t work. For instance, I’ll go to bat for his True Detective performance while admitting that the season as a whole disappointed tremendously. Sadly, Nonnas is not offering strong dramatic themes instead of comedic setups or spitfire dialogue. It is just mild, mild, mild all the way down.

Which brings us back to this review’s opener. Calling this movie bad is no fun. And it isn’t even strictly accurate. Nonnas is the finest of fines, the most ok of oks. It means well. There’s a sweet story behind it. And, sadly, at no point does it suitably tickle your funny bone to pull on your tear ducts. No one involved is doing poorly and everyone deserves better.

Nonnas is saving you a plate on Netflix now.

Nonnas Trailer: