There’s something inexorably intertwined about dates and the movies. And on Valentine’s Day weekend, the biggest date weekend of the year—trust us, we’ve seen the data—it stands to reason multiplexes will be hustling and bustling and streamers…well…streaming.

Why? Because it provides background noise to a night of making out with your sweetheart? Of course not! We all know better than to do that! It’s because there’s nothing more romantic than experiencing a piece of art with someone you care about. And when you discuss it afterward? Perhaps over a plate of fries and a malt at the local soda shop? Well, that’s the best of all. Then, you can end the evening with a warm hug and a sweet peck on the cheek. Sounds perfect to us!

Still, even the most experienced Valentine’s Day vets among us might find the features offered this weekend overwhelming. There’s a lot of choices. You are sitting on the razor’s edge between growing old with your soulmate and dying alone and unmourned on a train looping around LA. A mistake in selection could be devastating.

No worries, though. The Spool has you with this handy guide to what’s out there and if it is worth watching.

For the homebodies

While many boost the theatrical experience and worry that the push to home viewing will destroy films, those people’s anxieties aren’t your problem! Do you prefer your couch and a TV to a state-of-the-art theatre with incredible plush seating for Valentine’s Day? Great! We don’t get it, but whatever. You do you! And here’s what’s streaming to help you do you with your date. Err…you know what we mean.

Kinda Pregnant (Netflix)

There was a time when Amy Schumer had one of the most interesting, thoughtful, and funny shows on TV. There was a time when she started in a vaguely autobiographical movie that made buckets of money and was very good besides. Both those times feel very long ago. Jillian Bell does her thing, stealing every scene, and there are hints of something at the corners. But hints are the most it offers. This is no comeback film. If anything, it digs the whole around Schumer’s career even deeper.

You’re Cordially Invited (Prime Video)

In promise, this is a throwback to the star-driven, vaguely high-concept comedies that made great hay for studios in the naughty aughties. In execution? Less so.

Instead, You’re Cordially Invited is a lesson in casting for chemistry. More accurately, what happens when you don’t.

Individually, casting Reese Witherspoon and Will Ferrell as the two leads makes sense. Both are experienced in those 2000s comedies, scoring some of the biggest hits of their careers and, in many ways, solidifying how most viewers tend to see them even today.

As a duo who will inevitably fall in love after their hysterical rivalry is finally put to bed, though? In that dynamic, they give off no heat. As strong as the supporting cast is—including reliably funny performers like Geraldine Viswanathan, Jimmy Tatro, and Rory Scovel—it can’t compensate for the film’s sparkless center. You can’t make a romantic comedy work without the romance, no matter how much gator slapstick you introduce.

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Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy (Peacock)

The Bridget Jones films are an odd thing to evaluate. The first eponymous installment gives us a genuinely excellent Renee Zellweger, a nicely grumpy Colin Firth, and a critical early installment of the Hugh Grant: Professional Cad identity that still delights us today. However, it is also an oft-cited work in illustrating Hollywood’s—and cultural at large’s—deeply messed up attitudes towards women’s bodies. I tend to fall more on the side of enjoying the performances and the “Jones’ warped perspective on her body is being challenged, not affirmed” side of things, but I’m also a cis man, so take all that with a grain of salt.

All of this is preamble to saying Mad About the Boy is very good, perhaps the best Jones since that first installment. It is, however, a very different experience. Less outright comedic than wry, knowing, and frequently bittersweet, Made About the Boy is a more mature, grounded visit with the loopy British woman fans fell in love with in print almost 30 years ago. Zellweger meets the challenge well, giving the audience a Bridget that is immediately recognizable as the character but still feels like she’s grown and evolved. This might not be the sweet, silly rush you want for Valentine’s Day, but it is well worth a watch.

The Gorge (AppleTV+)

The beginning is a touch too slow. The end is too perfunctorily action-oriented. But the middle portion in which Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller steadily increase their levels of flirtation across a literal chasm filled with who knows what horrors is a kick.

Is it the most convincing meet-cute and blossom of the quartet here? Kinda, yeah.

The tension of what they’re guarding and why is on par with the romantic tension. The murkiness and fog-laden environment eventually becomes a bit too visually same-y. Still, even after that, the movie manages to ring plenty out of the fear of the unknown below.

I won’t say this should be in theatres, but, well, you know…

For the cinema enthusiasts

Is streaming fine? Sure. Are theatres better? You already know. Here’s what you’ll find to greet you when you and your significant other bring all those roses to your local multiplex on Valentine’s Day weekend.

Companion

There’s a moment where a viewer might find themselves thinking, “Oh man, this would’ve been so much better if the trailer didn’t spoil this twist.” And then the film drops a few more twists on the audience and dares you to say that the trailer gave the whole movie away.

Jack Quaid continues his winning streak, mining his affable energy to unusual effect. Come down to it, Sophie Thatcher is on a roll, too. There’s a scene in which she learns something everyone else knows that feels so lived in that the heartbreak stings harder than you might expect.

The small supporting cast, including Lukas Gage and Harvey Guillén, is excellent. Gage, in particular—an actor I’ve not necessarily embraced in other projects—breaks through here, getting a role that grows in complexity in several rewarding ways.

Companion has garnered lots of comparisons to Ex Machina, which feels a bit easy, to be honest. In this reviewer’s estimation, they share similar themes—namely the desire to keep and control others, especially intimate partners—but they seem to reach very different conclusions.

Drew Hancock also lacks Machina director Alex Garland’s specific, meticulous eye at this point. That said, Hancock and his team have a talent for color and art design. The costuming is quite strong as well, full of hints about each person’s character and some sly jokes.

It’s not the film to see if you are looking for a pure feel-good romance, but a bloody (pun 100% INTENDED!) good time for couples who like some darkness in their Valentine’s Day celebration.

Heart Eyes

Speaking of bloody, Heart Eyes devises some pretty great setpieces/excuses to pour the red stuff all over the screen. The opening, in particular, is playful and gruesome in equal measure without either tipping too far to either side.

The central relationship is perfunctory. Ally (Olivia Holt, affirming the bloody and horrifying is her wheelhouse) and Jay (Mason Gooding) have an awkward meet-cute before finding out he’s been called in to clean up her mess at work. He loves love. She’s a skeptic. But, damn it, they’re both so good-looking! And it’s Valentine’s Day!

Thankfully, the film gets their connection is facile and doesn’t spend much time justifying it. Instead, it lets the audience sit with the two’s considerable chemistry as they run from the wonderfully designed titular killer. Former teen/young adult heart throbs Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster give a pair of wonderfully weird performances as the lead cops on the Heart Eyes Killer case. Then, Michaela Watkins does them one better with a comic drawl as Ally’s boss, Crystal Cane.

In tone and execution, Josh Ruben’s directing recalls the Happy Death Day films and Freaky. That makes even more sense when you look up the screenwriters and find the writer-director of those pictures, Christopher Landon, as one of three on the screenplay.

Love Hurts

Justin already reviewed Love Hurts at length, so you can check that out if you’d like something more in-depth and positive.

While far less enamored of it, I still found the film not without its charms. Ke Huy Quan, as former assassin turned real estate agent Marvin Gable, is such a force of charisma. It serves as a reminder of how poorly Hollywood treated him in the past. More to the point, it reminds us how shockingly dumb that was of the industry. In a small supporting part, Sean Astin has one just killer scene as Gable’s caring and ultimately fearless boss. Finally, this might be Cam Gigandet’s best performance to date.

As a romance, this effort is essentially inert. The burgeoning relationship between murderous poet Raven (Mustafa Shakir) and Gable’s assistant Gable (Lio Tipton) is far more interesting and exciting than the ostensible lead relationship between Gable and Rose (Ariana DeBose). Add in some brutally bad voiceover and a script that is almost all show and no tell exception when it comes to the violence, and you end up disappointed, despite the delightfulness of its lead.

Love Me

A great cast—Kristen Stewart and Steven Yeun—meets an incredibly ambitious and interesting idea. Sadly the film can’t execute on it. The result is an exercise in creating humanity that never manages to find its own.

Captain America: New World Order

Superhero movies as Valentine’s Day date night film fodder are a grand tradition dating back to 2003’s Daredevil. Did this writer once convince all his coupled friends to spend their Valentine’s Day watching that film while his girlfriend was in Minnesota? Maaaaaaaybe. But the tradition is nonetheless real.

New World Order, however, lacks even a hint of romance if that’s what you seek. If, on the other hand, you are looking for a solid, if unspectacular, superhero movie with a couple of decent action sequences and better CGI than other recent MCU films, this latest Captain America is probably your speed.

The controversial ending reads more comic book-y to this admitted funny book-poisoned reviewer, something akin to when Batman drops by Arkham to reassure Harvey Dent he’ll find a way to rid him of the Two-Face identity or Spider-Man’s attempts to “cure” his villains in Far From Home. However, this reviewer is also a white man so other interpretations of the ending are as valid if not moreso. It would likely be a moot point if the film’s messaging up until then wasn’t such a muddled mess.

Alright, cats and kittens, the day’s a-wasting. Time to book those tickets or fire up that Roku. There’s art to be appreciated and cuddles to engage in. From all of us here at The Spool to all of you out there, have a very happy Valentine’s Day.

All the films reviewed in this article are now available on streaming services or in theatres.