Madame Web
Similar2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), Aliens (1986), Batman Begins (2005), Batman Forever (1995), Batman Returns (1992), Catwoman (2004), Constantine (2005), Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995), Enchanted (2007), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004), Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), Ghostbusters (1984), Hellboy (2004), King Kong (1933), King Kong (2005), Léon: The Professional (1994),
Live and Let Die (1973) Mars Attacks! (1996), Men in Black (1997), Men in Black II (2002), My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006), North by Northwest (1959),
Shaft (2000) Sin City (2005), Spider-Man 2 (2004), Spider-Man 3 (2007), Superman Returns (2006), The Crow: Salvation (2000), The Dark Knight (2008), The Fifth Element (1997), The Legend of Zorro (2005),
Watch afterDune: Part Two (2024),
StudioColumbia Pictures,
The latest chapter in Sony's Spider-Man Universe makes Morbius look like a masterpiece.
In an age where the Marvel Cinematic Universe has categorically lost its luster, it's tempting to imagine how green the grass is on the other side of the hill. To imagine that someone, somewhere, is doing inventive work with some of America's most pervasive modern myths -- without the heaving strain of an interconnected narrative, a cast of over-it actors, or visual effects teams stretched beyond their breaking point. You won't find it, however, in the strangely-dubbed "Sony's Spider-Man Universe" -- that casually connected series of antihero films (the Venoms, Morbius) that attempts to cobble together its own Sinister Six from the contractual scraps Disney left Sony after its acquisition of Marvel Studios. And Madame Web, the latest grasp at superhero relevancy in a dying comic book movie landscape, is easily its messiest, most forgettable shrug in that direction.
It's astonishing to think that Sony could put out a worse product than 2022's Morbius -- a misfire of a mad-scientist picture that at least contained a few interesting images and the perverse sight of Matt Smith gnashing his pointy vampire teeth through a chopped-up villain performance -- but boy, Madame Web manages it. It's a passive whisper of a film, one that barely registers its own existence. The only reason someone would even deign to make it is because they're contractually obligated to maintain a specific character's intellectual property, not to mention a heaping stake of product placement from Pepsi. Continue Reading →
Meg 2: The Trench
Ever since James Cameron boldly wrote “S” after ALIEN on a chalkboard and then changed it to a dollar sign, the quickest way to sequel-ize your killer extraterrestrial/reptile/mammal/whatever has been to add more of it. You scored a hit with people fighting one giant mosquito? Great, here’s a sequel with six of them. Continue Reading →
Heart of Stone
SimilarAliens (1986), Armageddon (1998), Beverly Hills Cop (1984), Beverly Hills Cop II (1987), Code of Silence (1985), Diamonds Are Forever (1971), Dr. No (1962), Face/Off (1997), From Russia with Love (1963), Goldfinger (1964),
Live and Let Die (1973) Men in Black II (2002), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), North by Northwest (1959), On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969), The Matrix Reloaded (2003), The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Spy Who Loved Me (1977),
In the 2023 sea of action movies, setting yourself apart from others becomes increasingly hard. John Wick: Chapter 4, Mission: Impossible- Dead Reckoning Part 1, Extraction 2, and more have sparked an action cinema revival. It’s a rebirth that I am incredibly grateful for, certainly. Continue Reading →
Bird Box Barcelona
SimilarA Christmas Carol (1938), A Clockwork Orange (1971), Die Hard (1988), Eyes Wide Shut (1999), I Am Not a Serial Killer (2016),
Jackie Brown (1997) Live and Let Die (1973) Mystic River (2003),
Rebecca (1940) Shaft (2000) The 39 Steps (1935), The Handmaid's Tale (1990),
The Name of the Rose (1986) The Poseidon Adventure (1972), The Road (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Wild at Heart (1990),
Okay, fine, Bird Box Barcelona isn’t exactly a sequel. It’s more of a continuation, as Netflix gets a belated start on making a franchise out of 2018’s Bird Box, a perfectly fine but unremarkable film that inexplicably became a smash hit. Smash or not, five years is a long time, so you might need a refresher course. Much of Earth’s population has been decimated by malevolent beings with visages so emotionally overwhelming that anyone who looks at them immediately commits suicide, and the survivors are forced to navigate what’s left of the world with their eyes covered, lest they see whatever “they” are. That’s really all you need to remember. Continue Reading →
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
SimilarAladdin (1992), Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999), From Russia with Love (1963), Goldfinger (1964), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), King Kong (1933),
Live and Let Die (1973) On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969), Shrek (2001), Shrek 2 (2004), Shrek the Third (2007), The Man with the Golden Gun (1974),
Watch afterAnt-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), Evil Dead Rise (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023),
It’s been almost 40 years since that little plumber in the red hat jumped into a warp pipe and into our hearts. Super Mario Bros., released for the original Nintendo system in the US in 1985, is still the perfect video game. It’s simple (you just got to jump around), it has iconic music, and its colorful world is hypnotic even with all those cute creatures trying to kill you. Continue Reading →
The Suicide Squad
SimilarFree Willy (1993), Godzilla Raids Again (1955), Hellboy (2004),
Live and Let Die (1973) Superman Returns (2006), The Legend of Zorro (2005),
Watch afterBlack Widow (2021), Eternals (2021), Free Guy (2021), Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021),
StarringDee Bradley Baker,
In the last decade, there have been numerous shitty attempts to replicate the success of the Marvel Studios formula, but Suicide Squad (2016) may be the worst of the worst. Writer/director David Ayer’s dark and gritty tone clashed with the pop music-heavy trailers, marketing that included songs already used by – and meant to remind viewers of – Guardians of the Galaxy. In the end, the studio hired that same trailer company to re-cut the movie, which was released into theaters as an incomprehensible mess. Noticeably missing a “2” in its title, The Suicide Squad is essentially a 200 million dollar do-over. It’s the movie Warner Brothers should’ve made five years ago. Continue Reading →
Those Who Wish Me Dead
StudioBron Studios, New Line Cinema,
While Those Who Wish Me Dead is coming out in theaters this weekend (be safe, especially if you're not vaccinated!), it's probably the movie to benefit most from Warner Bros. pandemic-fueled decision to simultaneously throw their releases up on HBO Max. From stem to stern, Taylor Sheridan's latest feels like the kind of movie you'd find on old-school HBO in the '90s, or FX or TNT, watching with your dad over a holiday weekend. It's silly, forgettable schlock, and yet I can't get too mad at it. Continue Reading →